Jump to content
The Grim Reaper

Northwest Limited [Open RP]

Recommended Posts

Sender: Jen Fields
Recipient: Richard Abercrombie; Fred Matthews
Subject: RE: RE: Cubicles are not for Hide and Seek

Hi Fred, I think Richard has the right set of priorities here. Thanks to the new guard posted in the break room, instances of sign vandalism have plummeted and our weekly paper usage has been cut in half. I will need them as a permanent fixture, and the roof will just have to guard itself. Have we considered locking the door? You can get a Locking Item Requisition form from Central Filing, but be aware that they now require photo IDs.

Richard, I've gotten some reports that certain members of the Creative department are leaving their dirty dishes for the guard to wash. Is there any truth to this? If you can get them to send me statements, I can ensure the perpetrators are appropriately dealt with.

Jen Fields
Office Manager

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Stewart Johnson; Richard Abercrombie

Subject: Data Security

Stewart, Richard -

I think the R/D Department's records may have been hacked into. Our files aren't saving correctly - I've had people coming to me about their reports being edited after hours. If this is being done internally, it needs to stop - those reports are vital to future and current projects (particularly Projects 18, 27, and 36). We can't get our ideas patented if they're tampered with. Otherwise, we may need to look into our competitors and find out who's trying to steal our ideas. Get back to me about this as soon as possible.

---

Jack Butler

Head of Research & Development

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: 'All Staff'
Subject: Re: Bug Reports and 'Reply All'


Staff members:

Please accept apologies for the error in my last message. I'm not (yet) the head of the technology department, as Melanie, the actual Head of Technology, has just kindly reminded me. I decided you would take me more seriously if I said I was Head. As always, please submit your technology requests through usual system.

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140


Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Richard Abercrombie
Subject: Re: Re: Bug Reports and 'Reply All'


Rich,

Damn you. I told you not to use 'Reply All' if you're just talking to one person.

I'll take care of your computer after you've gone home for the night. Wouldn't want anyone to know about how you *got* that virus now, would we?

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140


Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Richard Abercrombie, Jack Butler
Subject: Re: Data security

Jack,

I'll look into this, I just have a question before I do. Have you tried turning off your computer and turning it back on again?

Thanks,


Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140

Edited by Severisen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Stewart Johnson; Melanie Ford

Subject: Re: Re: Glitch

I have a Ph.D., you ass. Yes, I restarted the computers.

Melanie, can you handle this (or get this upstart to do something about it)?

---

Jack Butler

Head of Research & Development

Edited by Zeorus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: Jen Fields; Fred Matthews
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Cubicles are not for Hide and Seek

Hmm - creative? I had a productive chat with a couple of their guys a while ago. They explained to me in detail the intricacies of their job details. You'll understand that being an artsy bunch, some of them do need the flexibility in their schedules.

I'll have a chat to Security - we might need to implement a case-by-case policy on this. I'm sure my staff won't mind facilitating the creative process, for people who are contributing to particularly important projects. A bit of knucklework will do my men good, I think.

And Fred, if you need it, I have a lock guy. He keeps in good terms with Central Filing, knows the locking requisition form backwards and forwards - wrote it out by hand once and no-one could tell the difference (Jen: We threw it out and didn't use it, of course, but we forwarded a copy to a Legal intern as a lesson in appreciating fine detail : ) ). Love to put you in touch, if you want.

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: Jack Butler; Stewart Johnson
Subject: RE: Data Security

Well, shit.

There's not much I can do without IT's go-ahead, Legal's go-ahead, HR's go-ahead, or a damn strong alibi. That being said, I think I know how to get the alibi.

I have my suspicions about this - me and Jen had to deal with a particular tricky piece of work back when I still worked in Admin and we were in the same team. But that one's absolutely hush-hush. Jen would lose her nut if she found out I'd so much as mentioned it on email. Not a word about it to anyone but us three - not even within your departments. Don't even mention my time in Admin until this is over - hell, if anyone asks, I was hired as Head of Security from the very beginning, Jack.

I think it's related. If IT confirms it's malicious, then I can deal with it if it's internal. I don't think Admin would raise any concerns - I'm sure someone still owes me a favour, maybe even from that project. But if it's external, this'll take a fairly concerted response.

I'm expecting an airtight report on this one, Stewart.

And also, regarding your last e-mail to me, my name's Richard, as it says in the signature. Not Rich. Not Richie. Not Rick. Not Ricky.

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security
Edited by The Grim Reaper

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Jack Butler, Melanie Ford (BCC: Jeremey Smith)
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Glitch


Forgive me, Jack. I was trained to ask that question first. It solves many issues people see with their PCs. I'll investigate this problem.

Melanie, I've got this handled. You don't have to get involved.

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140


Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Jeremey Smith
Subject: Re: Re: Glitch


Jeremey! I know you're desk is next to mine, but can you believe this dick! He copied Melanie! Who screws with the IT department? NO ONE. He'll see.

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140

Edited by Severisen

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Richard Abercrombie; Stewart Johnson

Subject: Re: Re: Data Security

Sounds good, Dick. I'll keep this under wraps. In the meantime, Stewart, what can R/D do to protect our files?

---

Jack Butler

Head of Research & Development

Edited by Zeorus

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: All Staff
Subject: Routine Security Check

Hey everyone - it's that time of year again. We're making sure that all of our security protocol are in order, and double-checking that we're all on the same page about safety, right guys?

I know it's early, but it's good to get these things out of the way.

So, yeah - this year, I've extended the schedule just a bit. So, yeah - the theme this year is "Security is Everyone's Business!". The onus isn't just on Security - your safety is everyone's business!

So yes, later this week, we'll be setting up some fun games for people to play! The games are as follows:

- File Tag: We will be running a masterclass on file organization. Remember that checking the last edit time of your files is helpful for making sure that everything is working and up-to-date. If you notice anything strange about the last edit time, send an email IMMEDIATELY to Stewart Johnson (Technical Support Specialist) and you could go into the draw to win a great prize! Only the first few employees to report these issues go into the draw, so be quick!

- Pin the Tail on the Alarm: All these week, we will be putting small red stickers on randomly selected fire alarms, covering up the low battery signal light. If you see a small red sticker, tell your closest Security Employee so they can replace the battery, and you'll go on the Safe Employee board in the break-room.

- Spotlight at the Sink: We'll have a random employee leaving their dishes in the break-rooms sinks, as a special lesson in noticing suspicious behaviour. Remember - if you see someone trying to conceal their behaviour, hide what they're doing, or lying about their activities, they could be our secret agent! Report their name and department to our break room duty security officer, and they'll pass it along to our Routine Security Check Administration Team. If you do, you'll go into our secret draw for a great prize!

- Loose Lips Sink Ships: There will be a special "Ship-Shape" set up in Security's meeting room. Every time a Security Officer finds out about a conversation regarding any of these three games that is not someone reporting it to Security, they put a token on the Ship-Shape. If the Ship-Shape is entirely filled up, no prizes will be awarded!

So remember, check fire alarm batteries, report people who leave their dishes in the sink, and make sure your files are safe! And whatever you do, tell NOBODY ABOUT IT. You could be putting your chances at winning our special prize draws in jeopardy - and in future, you could be putting all our futures in jeopardy.

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Jack Butler
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Data Security

Jack,

I've gone ahead and moved the R/D computers to an internal only server. Keep this information to yourself, in the event that this is an internal threat. No one should be able to detect the changes I've made. I'll be monitoring the situation and keep you and Dick up to date.

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Madison Davenport
Recipient: Jack Butler
Subject: RE: Project 36 Beta

Hey Jack

Those release forms shouldn't be too much of an issue though I swear to god if 36 goes the same way as 21 I'm going to have to make my department start signing release forms to give you release forms.

Jen and Richard shouldn't be an issue... you know with me mum is always the word; the joys of attorney client privilege.

Do be sure to keep me mildly in the loop though. I don't want to walk in after the trials and find out we have ANOTHER lawsuit.

-------------------

Madison Davenport
Chief Legal Officer

Edited by Vesica

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jen Fields

Recipient: Richard Abercrombie
Subject: RE: Routine Security Check

Richard, these games are phenomenal! I'm hoping the Security team is restricted from playing Spotlight at the Sink - owing to their regular posting in the Break Room, I think they'd probably have an unfair advantage over the other players in noticing the dish culprit! Plus I'm sure that with you as their supervisor, they're fully trained in all these procedures already.

As a thank-you, I've taken the liberty of adding a mini-fridge to the Break Room and stocking it with an assortment of your team's favorite drinks and snacks. I left a key with the current guard on duty - a nice fellow I think by the name of David? - along with instructions to pass it on to his relief once he's done there.

This should really increase security awareness and people's sense of personal responsibility, without any risk of causing an alarm. Hopefully we can avoid a repeat of... well, you know. Even the sixth floor Incident wasn't as bad as that!

Jen Fields

Office Manager

P.S. You'd tell me if there was something to worry about here, right?

Edited by Astarial

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Madison Davenport

Subject: Re: Re: Project 36 Beta

This will be nothing like 21. You have my word.

I just got the release forms, I'll start talking to Marketing about recruiting some beta testers.

---

Jack Butler
Head of Research & Development


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Katharine Beals

Subject: Project 36 Beta Testing

Katharine -

Legal has finished the release forms for the Project 36 beta test. When would be convenient for your people to meet with my people to discuss recruitment?

---

Jack Butler

Head of Research & Development

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jen Fields
Recipient: All Staff
Subject: Break Room Fridge and Minifridge

Hi folks! It's GREAT to see that my signs are now staying put! The money that's been saved in paper usage has been put towards repairing that leaky toilet in the fifth floor bathroom - go try it out!

If you are LEAVING FOOD in the break room fridge, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE put your name on it. I can't emphasize this enough! If you try to fill out a Form 24, "Theft of Personal Refreshment" and you DIDN'T put your name on the item that was stolen, you'll need to fill out two additional forms (814(d), or "Failure to Adequately Mark Personal Property Justification", and 16(a), "Proof of Ability to Write Name Documentation"), AND they'll probably just ignore your complaint anyway!! So write your name!

If you are TAKING FOOD from the break room fridge, PLEASE do not take anything with somebody else's name on it. This is very rude! Not to mention, if you are discovered, you'll have to fill out Form 25, "Justification of Theft of Personal Refreshment" AND sit through a three-day seminar on Nutritional Harassment in the Workplace. NOT FUN. If it doesn't have ANYBODY'S name on it, you might have to fill out a 814(b), "I Thought It Was There For Everybody Justification", but that one has at least been shortened a couple pages. Your best bet is just to take things with your own name on them!

Finally, I'm sure most of you have noticed that there is now a NEW MINI-FRIDGE in the break room! This is for the personal use of the Security staff who are rotationed in there. Anybody found attempting to break into this fridge will be disciplined, and restricted from Break Room privileges for two weeks. Additionally, you will have to fill out the dreaded 96(f) - I'm sure you all remember what that one is called!!!

Thanks for your cooperation!

Jen Fields

Office Manager

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: Jen Fields

Subject: RE: RE: Routine Security Check

Thank you Jen : )

With all the work we've had to do lately, every little thing is really helpful.

I know David's been having issues juggling his family life and all the overtime we've been offering him. Just between us old friends, it's been really upsetting for him - he wants to do all the overtime we can offer him, but he needs to spend time with his kids and all. It's just been really hard - he's basically doing a trained employee's job on a cheap contractor's salary.

I know he'll really appreciate taking the load off him with the fridge : ) I heard his manager brought in breakfast for him one day, he's just had no time. A lot of his workmates are in the same place.

Thanks so much Jen, you have no idea how much this means to me : )

Security's a family, and it's just so hard to feel like I'm letting down family, you know?

I'm happy to know you're onboard with our family : )

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: David Lindersson
Subject: Holiday Deals

Hey Dave, want extra holidays?

I just need you to put in some overtime planning some teambuilding stuff. I'm doing a thing with Jen, you know - a distraction from all the security hullabaloo. You know what office management is like about keeping things orderly, and I've had to pull a lot of strings.

It would really be helpful if we had something to distract her. If you could do some extra overtime and put in a few requests for some extra holiday days with my recommendation soon, I think that would be really good.

I'll send you some details about the overtime - I'm thinking some team-building activities, to help bolster the message behind the Security Games. Play up the theme of, say, "Security is a Family".

I'm thinking DIY ID cards for next week, and a few lunchtime activities. I'm thinking we take some guys out for breakfast every couple of days, I think I could sell that to Jen.

At the very least, see if you can make any extra work for her. Already had to blow her off regarding some touchy routine security stuff in my last email - fluffed it up with a bit of stuff about the great overtime work you've been trading me for break room duty.

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: Jen Fields

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Routine Security Check

Don't think I've forgotten how you operate, Mr. Fitch, nor the implementation of the highly classified Corporate Witness Protection program following our fun together in Admin. If you want to play this close to the chest for now, that's your prerogative. I just hope you'll know if/when things get too serious for territorial nonsense.

I put some M&Ms in the fridge for you, they always were your favorite. I trust you can face them again after all this time?

Jen Fields

Office Manager

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Richard Abercrombie

Recipient: Jen Fields

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Routine Security Check

Jen, you know perfectly well that's crossing the line.

I still care about you Jen, no matter what you think of me. I wouldn't hurt you.

I'm doing the best I can.

Richard Abercrombie
Emergency Response Coordinator
Head of Security
Edited by The Grim Reaper

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From: Nick Specter

To: All Staff

Subject: FW: FW: FW: Fw: Fw: FW: Fw: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Fw: OMG!! MUST READ!!!

Contents:

Make a wish!!!

Really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please.... theyll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you moron!!!

Something else! Quick!!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasnt that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, heres what Ill do. First of all, if you dont send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be attacked by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of garbage. Its true! Because, you know, THIS letter isnt like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Heres how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*20 to 674,951 people: 20 to 674,951 people will be mad at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

-----

Nick Specter MSc

Finance Director

Head of Accounts

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jen Fields

Recipient: All Staff

Subject: RE: Break Room Fridge and Minifridge

As Catherine "Cat" Matthews and Kitty "Cat" Harris have kindly pointed out a problem in the Only Take Food With Your Name On It policy, please note the following amendments:

1) All staff who know of a name collision with another staff member are instructed to fill out the attached form, 182(a) ("Unique Identifier Declaration").

2) All staff are required to attend a two-day seminar on Hair Pulling in the Workplace. This seminar will cover when it is appropriate to pull a coworker's hair, and when it is not. It will also touch (briefly) on biting, slapping, scratching, and pouring dish soap in someone's coffee. Please see your respective managers for a detailed schedule of when you will be attending.

Jen Fields

Office Manager

Attachment [812 MB]

html_icon_small.gif182a.doc

Edited by Astarial

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jack Butler

Recipient: Nick Specter
Subject: FUCKING STOP

Cut out the spam. Now. You're wasting everyone's time.

---

Jack Butler

Head of Research & Development

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: 'All Staff'
Subject: Re: FW: FW: FW: Fw: Fw: FW: Fw: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Fw: OMG!! MUST READ!!!


Staff members:

Anyone who forwards this email will need to have their computer serviced by Technology. There is a virus hidden within.

Thanks,

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140


Sender: Stewart Johnson
Recipient: Nick Specter
Subject: Re: FW: FW: FW: Fw: Fw: FW: Fw: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Fw: OMG!! MUST READ!!!


Nick,

I've taken the liberty of removing your computer from your office after you went home last night. I'll have to completely wipe the hard drive, and your network storage. Sorry for not giving you advanced warning. This was an urgent matter, as there was a virus encoded in the MIME headers, and I'll also have to re-architect front end services which will require streaming analyses while I re-program phased support systems. If this happens again, it will require me to productize XML-enabled attractors while we transition WS-conformant users. I'm sure you understand. As of now I have no ETA for when you will get your computer back.

Stewart Johnson, TIA, MCSE, MCP, MCSD, RHCE, CISA, CISSP, MCDST, MOS, CCA, CCEA, MCT, MOUS, CNS, MCTS, MCPD, CCNP, MCNE, RHCA, IDK, DGAF, CCIA, BBQ, WTF, LOL

Technical Support Specialist
E: [email protected]
Ext: 4140

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Jen Fields

Recipient: All Staff

Subject: Update to Hair Pulling in the Workplace Seminar

Staff,

Following several serious concerns about inclusiveness, sensitivity, and disability awareness, the following changes to the Hair Pulling in the Workplace Seminar are being adopted:

1) Employees missing either or both of their hands or arms are exempted from participation.

2) Bald and balding employees may, at their discretion, wear a toupee or wig to their Seminars.

3) Individuals going through chemotherapy, radiation, or other medical treatments which are accompanied by hair loss may, at their discretion, sign up for a separate section of this Seminar. This section is open only to such individuals, and will feature an additional presentation on Hair Pulling as Psychological Warfare. Participants wishing to attend this section should fill out the attached form and leave it with Human Resources.

Jen Fields

Office Manager

Attachment [2 MB]

html_icon_small.gif11g.doc

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Sonia Wolfe
Recipient: All Staff
Subject: Break Room Art Supplies

I would like to remind everyone that some of the creative department's supplies may be stored in close proximity to the Break Room, including near food and beverage items. I advise everyone to take care NOT to accidentally mix the art supplies with anything you are going to be consuming. I know that it may sometimes be hard to discern the mayonaise from the glue, but please be mindful of your surroundings.

Also, I would like to politely request that whoever has been leaving obscene drawings on the desks of some of the creative department's employees please stop. I'm sure you are all aware that we do, in fact, have work to do just as well as the rest of the office does.

Thank you.

~ ~ ~

Sonia Wolfe

Creative Department

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sender: Madison Davenport

Recipients: Richard Abercrombie

Subject: CONFIDENTIAL

Hey Richard

Sorry to have to bring this up, but I figure Jen gets her hands on this, we'll ALL be doing yet another seminar so I'd rather handle this very quietly.

Our unpaid interns, despite our most ardent efforts through the sheer volume of release forms and gag orders we throw at them to eliminate their humanity, are still humans with some civil rights... and unfortunately a few of them realize that and brought something delicate to my attention.

A few of the more... shall we say attractive ones, found a few photos of them taken quite clearly by our security cameras throughout the facility in their "intimate" items. Now the issue in of itself isn't the fact the photos were taken, but more so by one of them who wandered into a security office and saw her, and two others pinned to a wall.

Now I realize I still owe you one for getting me out of that Christmas party after I had just a little too much tequila, so if you could possibly hush up the folks in your department, and if your going to take photos at least keep them to the cliché of keeping them in your lockers I would be very happy and able to keep this thing on the down low... I'd rather not have to face another lawsuit from an intern who realized she actually does have a few human rights.

Thanks hun

Madison Davenport

Chief Legal Officer

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×